For me, I grew up going to church every Sunday, praying when things got good and when things got bad. Believing in a greater good and providing empathy for those I didn't know but somehow 'knew' they lacked something I could share. And so I did. I valued myself as a friend who could listen. I studied people to learn how to become a better listener, friend, confidant. I thrived on the notion that people wanted me to listen to their lives. But then one day it all just stopped. I woke up, went for a run and when I got home, I just didn't care. It wasn't that I hated people, it wasn't that I hated my self. I just didn't feel a connection to the world around me.
Looking back I think it was more that I began to recognize the sadness around me. The friends who were in jobs that they didn't appreciate or feel appreciated in. The family that was going through medical issues, problems that would bring a heavy financial burden and level of emotional stress that, at the time, seems impossible to get through. All of this began to weigh on me, as though I carried their load on my own shoulders. Being a person who values 'being there' for those I love, I had spread my self thin. Sending my energy and love to all the areas of my life that I had chosen needed it more than me. Then that morning arrived where I had it. I went for a walk with my husband later that day and told him how strange it was that I felt so free in a way that I wasn't sure was healthy.
That freedom lasted but only a moment. As I look back it was as though I had staved my own garden while watering and fertilizing those around me, to make sure they would thrive. I just came to a point where I would not. However, in the days, months and years that followed, I experienced my life sliding in and out of my neglected garden. I would take a rare afternoon to feed my own needs and spend the rest of the day looking for something/someone outside my self to attract my attention. I neglected to replant my seeds outside my fence.
So last weekend, at this super mega-spiritual complex, I found myself listening to the Be-Dazzled cantor perform her presentation on balancing Karma in the Workplace, as she reminded us that the best way to achieve success is to plant seeds of karma in every area of your life: personal relationships, professional relationships; casual relationships. Treat those in your career with the cared-ful fuel you offer your friends.
She recalled that Buddha had said that "if you do this, you can expect that" the law of compensation. An interesting thought: planting a seed of karma in any area of our lives. I decided that was a sign from the universe asking me to plant some seeds in my own garden.
Some of the new seeds in my garden:
- Commitment to posts daily on this blog
- Regular yoga practice is back in my life
- Reading all the books that I promised myself I'd get too
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