Music makes my heart beat.
So I start over again, this time just to hear what comes.
My mentor tells me I have a gift and that using it to sing pop may be wasteful.
Time to practice.
I have such trouble keeping practice hours lately. This last year has been really difficult in getting my life scheduled to balance my interests.
Long term goal: find my artisitic interests and prepare for public display.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Firey Moon!
So it's been a while since putting some thoughts to keyboard. I've consulted with a few experts in the areas of astronomy, hakomi, attachment practices and numerology. What it all boils down to: this is the time of the feminine. The Yin. Woman. Nourishment. Listening. Care. Damp. Soft.
I've been asked to soften.
I have asked to be listened to.
I've been asked to soften.
I have asked to be listened to.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
What's going on right now?
Waking in the morning.
Let the dog out in the yard.
Opened a few windows to let the fresh air in.
Turned on my work computer to check emails at the start of my day.
Opened browser to my morning news sites.
Read a few semi-inspiring posts.
Let the dog back in.
Climb back into bed with work computer.
Back to email and SP.
Let the dog out in the yard.
Opened a few windows to let the fresh air in.
Turned on my work computer to check emails at the start of my day.
Opened browser to my morning news sites.
Read a few semi-inspiring posts.
Let the dog back in.
Climb back into bed with work computer.
Back to email and SP.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Good, not great.
Today is taking its time.
I feel like a volcano inside.
Fire pouring and bubbling over.
Lava flow burping through its highest points.
Not able to think clearly.
Body is aching and bones shaking from within.
Eyes falling and tilting with lids of steel.
Saying all the wrong things puts a damper on the day!
I feel like a volcano inside.
Fire pouring and bubbling over.
Lava flow burping through its highest points.
Not able to think clearly.
Body is aching and bones shaking from within.
Eyes falling and tilting with lids of steel.
Saying all the wrong things puts a damper on the day!
Monday, June 28, 2010
I didn't run a half marathon!
It's been two days since I completed a great challenge. I DIDN'T run or jog a half marathon. Instead I speed-walked for 13.1 miles. As I'm getting older I'm finding that staying just below my threshold is likely going to help be get through the threshold sooner than if I plow myself from goal to goal.
I've had many goals in my life. And I've reached many of them, quickly. I have many that I have yet to reach. It's interesting to me to find that at my mid-life point I am finding less and less interest in reaching my goals and more interest in being present now. There was a point in my life where I was in awe of the journey, so much that it always seemed to pass so quickly I'd feel disappointment when I reached new goals.
Life is like an onion, we peel off so many layers, of the same skin as we get older we revisit similar challenges we faced when younger. I look forward to a time in my life where I feel the balance of the present, past and optimism for the future.
Will I experience that this week? I'll keep my eyes open!
I've had many goals in my life. And I've reached many of them, quickly. I have many that I have yet to reach. It's interesting to me to find that at my mid-life point I am finding less and less interest in reaching my goals and more interest in being present now. There was a point in my life where I was in awe of the journey, so much that it always seemed to pass so quickly I'd feel disappointment when I reached new goals.
Life is like an onion, we peel off so many layers, of the same skin as we get older we revisit similar challenges we faced when younger. I look forward to a time in my life where I feel the balance of the present, past and optimism for the future.
Will I experience that this week? I'll keep my eyes open!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
2 cones and Reeses peanutbutter cups!
Sometimes people blow you away with how well they know how to make you smile. My best friend did just that for me today.
All my favorite treats, all my favorite topics, and gifts that help remind me how to smile. I couldn't ask for anything else. My ever need was catered to today. Everything was planned so well, almost like the day had be rehearsed. I am having pure moments of enjoyment. Wow.
Thank you.
All my favorite treats, all my favorite topics, and gifts that help remind me how to smile. I couldn't ask for anything else. My ever need was catered to today. Everything was planned so well, almost like the day had be rehearsed. I am having pure moments of enjoyment. Wow.
Thank you.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Giving gratitude to 34
- Chomped on Alligator meat
- Nibbled down frog legs
- Private yoga lessons
- Private singing lessons
- Personal training lessons
- Cried at a campfire
- Walked in the bayou
- Had an exorcism
- Donated more than $5000 to charities
- Mid Year Review
- Built a fence
- Played guitar and sang publicly
- Met an aunt and cousin
- Visited the U.S. Capital and D.C.
- Recognized my inner self's quest for family
- Lost my in-law's
- Found the most important relationship in my life
Stretching
- Expanding horizons.
- Reaching goals.
- Extend beyond limitations.
Today I practice patience. Patiently waiting for my attitude adjustment.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Considering options
This week has been filled with ups and downs. Today's down was a jog that reminded me that I'm getting older and with age comes choices. Decisions really. My body has told me that running to get through stress may no longer be an option. My family has told me that my regular passage thru life may no longer be an option. I reach a new age this week and feel compelled to make some decisions. Do I continue on the path I've been heading or is it time to take all the responsibilities of life on my own? I don't know the answer for me yet, but I hope to come to a decision soon.
Breathing, that's what I'm practicing. Simple breathe.
Breathing, that's what I'm practicing. Simple breathe.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Staying Connected
- going for coffee
- writing email
- writing a letter
- giving a call
- posting updates on social media sites
The Freedom to Do as I Want
What a stroke of good fortune! My work has been extended, my vacation time approved and I snuck into an afternoon time-slot for a massage! I sometimes forget how well things do work out - especially the little things. I will focus on these moments for now and let the rest of my life take a Time Out.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Nourishment
I was reminded today how important it is to nourish the ones we care about the most. Including our selves.
I had lunch with one of my dearest of friends who lives only a few long minutes away. We always seem to comment on how we'd like to get together more often. But life has pulled us into different directions where we peddle away at our various rates and then find time a few times a year to reconnect and provide a little nourishment to our ages-long friendship.
Usually we talk about different gossip going on in our lives or those we know. Today's lunch was a little different. I am usually not forthcoming with sharing problems I am facing, my tendency has been to keep my own issues tucked away and focus only on the positive. This gift I'm sure was given to me by my mom - the eternal optimist. At lunch today I wanted so badly to share with my dear friend the confusions and fears that I have been wrapping in my head and heart over the last number of months. And I did! She was a sweet angel in my time of need. She sat across from me listening and supporting me as I described my frustration of the day and the desire I have to learn more: about me, about my husband, about life. Open and accepting without a single judgement of me or my perspective.
What's funny is this kind of conversation is exactly what one expects when gal-pals get together. They talk about their troubles and support each other to learn how to solve life's mysteries and miseries. But this wasn't me as my usual self. This is me the blogger, the singer, the yoga student! This is me as a new student of life.
What also made this lunch a little different is that my friend commented how she was so happy to hear me open up about these tough times I'm having. That giving - sharing my life in this way felt good, for her. She felt a stronger connection - bonding because I could share with both the ups AND downs of my life. I admit to you that I am not the type of person who expresses her feelings when frustrated, confused or upset. My habit has been to hold it in and assume it will magically disappear. I definitely am not in the habit of spilling my downs at a restaurant with a friend I haven't seen for a few months because of my fear of being judged and rejected. But today's practice was quite different. I felt heard, important and it wasn't scary at all! I send my gratitude to my friend and look forward to our next outing!
In sharing the not so glamorous side of my self I got to nourish this very important friendship as well as nourish a deeper connection with me and the way I see life.
Now that's a great accomplishment for a Wednesday afternoon!
I had lunch with one of my dearest of friends who lives only a few long minutes away. We always seem to comment on how we'd like to get together more often. But life has pulled us into different directions where we peddle away at our various rates and then find time a few times a year to reconnect and provide a little nourishment to our ages-long friendship.
Usually we talk about different gossip going on in our lives or those we know. Today's lunch was a little different. I am usually not forthcoming with sharing problems I am facing, my tendency has been to keep my own issues tucked away and focus only on the positive. This gift I'm sure was given to me by my mom - the eternal optimist. At lunch today I wanted so badly to share with my dear friend the confusions and fears that I have been wrapping in my head and heart over the last number of months. And I did! She was a sweet angel in my time of need. She sat across from me listening and supporting me as I described my frustration of the day and the desire I have to learn more: about me, about my husband, about life. Open and accepting without a single judgement of me or my perspective.
What's funny is this kind of conversation is exactly what one expects when gal-pals get together. They talk about their troubles and support each other to learn how to solve life's mysteries and miseries. But this wasn't me as my usual self. This is me the blogger, the singer, the yoga student! This is me as a new student of life.
What also made this lunch a little different is that my friend commented how she was so happy to hear me open up about these tough times I'm having. That giving - sharing my life in this way felt good, for her. She felt a stronger connection - bonding because I could share with both the ups AND downs of my life. I admit to you that I am not the type of person who expresses her feelings when frustrated, confused or upset. My habit has been to hold it in and assume it will magically disappear. I definitely am not in the habit of spilling my downs at a restaurant with a friend I haven't seen for a few months because of my fear of being judged and rejected. But today's practice was quite different. I felt heard, important and it wasn't scary at all! I send my gratitude to my friend and look forward to our next outing!
In sharing the not so glamorous side of my self I got to nourish this very important friendship as well as nourish a deeper connection with me and the way I see life.
Now that's a great accomplishment for a Wednesday afternoon!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Forgiveness
Forgiveness. The act of forgiving. According to Wikipedia, "The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'." I like the idea of granting free pardon. To give up all claim to an offense or debt. The idea of forgiveness to me is to come to peace with an offense, come to peace by letting go and moving on. It seems like a simple task. Something I say many times a day. "Oh, forgive me" or "I'm sorry", and when I say this I really intend my recipient will know how I wish for them to be at peace and let go of the offense I have brought into their life. Whether it is simply an accidental bump on the bus or elevator, or I jumped in to add to their sentence. I often ask for forgiveness when I have un-intentionally or not, hurt the feelings of another as I recognize their sadness in my actions or words which have offended them in some way. I make the offering most of the time assuming that it will be accepted and my intention of peace will keep the chain of communication open with my intended.
I think of myself as pretty 'good' at offering others to forgive me. However, when it comes to forgiving myself for small or large acts of offense, I have a long way to go. I'm training for a running event, I tweaked my knee a little, so I have been icing and massaging and stretching and strengthening. Although I've been doing all the 'right' things to care for myself while going through this fairly common runner's setback. I have yet to forgive myself for allowing myself to get hurt. My self understands that doing a repetitive motion like running sometimes creates aches and pulls in the body that take some time to repair and heal. It only takes one run pushing a little to much too fast or a momentary twist of the ankle while running cross country that can through your whole training process into havoc. I tend to think most people are very successful in giving themselves the peace of mind to move past setbacks in athletics or life. I would like to be one of those people today.
I'd like to become one of those people who accept and forgive themselves as they go through life realizing that mistakes are what make them stronger and the more they make the wiser they become. Rather than holding onto these moments as heavy stones like bleak reminders of that holds holds us back and bars us from the ultimate that we'd like to be.
I think of myself as pretty 'good' at offering others to forgive me. However, when it comes to forgiving myself for small or large acts of offense, I have a long way to go. I'm training for a running event, I tweaked my knee a little, so I have been icing and massaging and stretching and strengthening. Although I've been doing all the 'right' things to care for myself while going through this fairly common runner's setback. I have yet to forgive myself for allowing myself to get hurt. My self understands that doing a repetitive motion like running sometimes creates aches and pulls in the body that take some time to repair and heal. It only takes one run pushing a little to much too fast or a momentary twist of the ankle while running cross country that can through your whole training process into havoc. I tend to think most people are very successful in giving themselves the peace of mind to move past setbacks in athletics or life. I would like to be one of those people today.
I'd like to become one of those people who accept and forgive themselves as they go through life realizing that mistakes are what make them stronger and the more they make the wiser they become. Rather than holding onto these moments as heavy stones like bleak reminders of that holds holds us back and bars us from the ultimate that we'd like to be.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Exploration
This weekend, I explored silence. Not the whole weekend, just in small doses.
Constant traffic outside my apartment. I listened to the fly test the will of my husband. I heard the sun warmed wind blow through my rose garden. Bacon sizzled. Onyx sighed. The blinds whined and crackled. Towels clacked as they chased a fly. The man cursed.
I watched the bicycles on the trapeze. The hand walking man climb up a hill of stairs. Gasps of awe while giant men ran in circles like hamsters.
The humming of an air filter.
Constant traffic outside my apartment. I listened to the fly test the will of my husband. I heard the sun warmed wind blow through my rose garden. Bacon sizzled. Onyx sighed. The blinds whined and crackled. Towels clacked as they chased a fly. The man cursed.
I watched the bicycles on the trapeze. The hand walking man climb up a hill of stairs. Gasps of awe while giant men ran in circles like hamsters.
The humming of an air filter.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Dream a little dream
Winding down the week with an early evening post. I'm here in my office typing away and practicing patience with the life that surrounds me. The tools for my work are having a hard day, or perhaps they're just so tired they keep falling asleep at the wheel. I shall not complain about it being 2010 and "point and click" technology has been around for about a decade. Yet my tools don't seem to notice!
At least they're taking action and I am too.
I went on a little daydreaming trip today - I was alone in my sandy beach-house writing an adventure novel loosely based on a recent vacation over seas. The sun was burning up outside so I had the windows open and could smell the sea air. I had a cool glass of cucumber water and my feet were placed in buckets of ice water. My iPod was playing my favorites and I was so happy I had no where else to be.
...then I woke up.
At least they're taking action and I am too.
I went on a little daydreaming trip today - I was alone in my sandy beach-house writing an adventure novel loosely based on a recent vacation over seas. The sun was burning up outside so I had the windows open and could smell the sea air. I had a cool glass of cucumber water and my feet were placed in buckets of ice water. My iPod was playing my favorites and I was so happy I had no where else to be.
...then I woke up.
There is no try, only do
Yesterday was one of those days where the more I got done the faster the day seemed to get away from me. As I lay in bed this morning I realized that I hadn't posted an entry! My goal and commitment has been to post something every day. Not try to post, but to post. Quality isn't my destination, this is an exercise of pure quantity. Sticking to a writing schedule for the sake of getting my thoughts out into the world.
In yoga class last night we discussed the use of modified poses. I am a creature of competition. I usually push myself to do just beyond my comforts, but in yoga (and life) there are some great rewards in a simple modification. In bowing eagle I can modify my knees to create a greater sense of strength in my quads, in table poses the same. Each of the poses can also be adjusted to go deeper into building my strength by simply adjusting breath.
Lucky for me my blog goals can be adjusted with a simple 4am posting and my fear of having fallen off the wagon one week is lifted and I continue to develop my strengths as I write.
There is no try, only do.
(even if it's 4 hours overdue!)
In yoga class last night we discussed the use of modified poses. I am a creature of competition. I usually push myself to do just beyond my comforts, but in yoga (and life) there are some great rewards in a simple modification. In bowing eagle I can modify my knees to create a greater sense of strength in my quads, in table poses the same. Each of the poses can also be adjusted to go deeper into building my strength by simply adjusting breath.
Lucky for me my blog goals can be adjusted with a simple 4am posting and my fear of having fallen off the wagon one week is lifted and I continue to develop my strengths as I write.
There is no try, only do.
(even if it's 4 hours overdue!)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Comedy between the shows!
I turned on the TV this evening and saw my favorite commercial. The Progressive insurance commercials with that funny lady - Flo. I love that lady - she makes me smile no matter how I'm feeling in my day. Her big bouffant and contrasting make-up, with bubbly personality and eyes that are always looking at her customers daring them to find lower prices. A close second is the Priceline negotiator commercials, where Bill Shatner dares to go lower - Nansie-Pansie!
What if we all knew a real Flo or Bill in our own lives? ~ someone who dared us to ask for what we really want and gave us the tool to achieve it?
What if we all knew a real Flo or Bill in our own lives? ~ someone who dared us to ask for what we really want and gave us the tool to achieve it?
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Planting seeds of karma
A friend and I went to this mega-spiritual complex this weekend. We both happened to be on a similar journey to discover what is meant by 'spirituality'.
For me, I grew up going to church every Sunday, praying when things got good and when things got bad. Believing in a greater good and providing empathy for those I didn't know but somehow 'knew' they lacked something I could share. And so I did. I valued myself as a friend who could listen. I studied people to learn how to become a better listener, friend, confidant. I thrived on the notion that people wanted me to listen to their lives. But then one day it all just stopped. I woke up, went for a run and when I got home, I just didn't care. It wasn't that I hated people, it wasn't that I hated my self. I just didn't feel a connection to the world around me.
Looking back I think it was more that I began to recognize the sadness around me. The friends who were in jobs that they didn't appreciate or feel appreciated in. The family that was going through medical issues, problems that would bring a heavy financial burden and level of emotional stress that, at the time, seems impossible to get through. All of this began to weigh on me, as though I carried their load on my own shoulders. Being a person who values 'being there' for those I love, I had spread my self thin. Sending my energy and love to all the areas of my life that I had chosen needed it more than me. Then that morning arrived where I had it. I went for a walk with my husband later that day and told him how strange it was that I felt so free in a way that I wasn't sure was healthy.
That freedom lasted but only a moment. As I look back it was as though I had staved my own garden while watering and fertilizing those around me, to make sure they would thrive. I just came to a point where I would not. However, in the days, months and years that followed, I experienced my life sliding in and out of my neglected garden. I would take a rare afternoon to feed my own needs and spend the rest of the day looking for something/someone outside my self to attract my attention. I neglected to replant my seeds outside my fence.
So last weekend, at this super mega-spiritual complex, I found myself listening to the Be-Dazzled cantor perform her presentation on balancing Karma in the Workplace, as she reminded us that the best way to achieve success is to plant seeds of karma in every area of your life: personal relationships, professional relationships; casual relationships. Treat those in your career with the cared-ful fuel you offer your friends.
She recalled that Buddha had said that "if you do this, you can expect that" the law of compensation. An interesting thought: planting a seed of karma in any area of our lives. I decided that was a sign from the universe asking me to plant some seeds in my own garden.
Some of the new seeds in my garden:
For me, I grew up going to church every Sunday, praying when things got good and when things got bad. Believing in a greater good and providing empathy for those I didn't know but somehow 'knew' they lacked something I could share. And so I did. I valued myself as a friend who could listen. I studied people to learn how to become a better listener, friend, confidant. I thrived on the notion that people wanted me to listen to their lives. But then one day it all just stopped. I woke up, went for a run and when I got home, I just didn't care. It wasn't that I hated people, it wasn't that I hated my self. I just didn't feel a connection to the world around me.
Looking back I think it was more that I began to recognize the sadness around me. The friends who were in jobs that they didn't appreciate or feel appreciated in. The family that was going through medical issues, problems that would bring a heavy financial burden and level of emotional stress that, at the time, seems impossible to get through. All of this began to weigh on me, as though I carried their load on my own shoulders. Being a person who values 'being there' for those I love, I had spread my self thin. Sending my energy and love to all the areas of my life that I had chosen needed it more than me. Then that morning arrived where I had it. I went for a walk with my husband later that day and told him how strange it was that I felt so free in a way that I wasn't sure was healthy.
That freedom lasted but only a moment. As I look back it was as though I had staved my own garden while watering and fertilizing those around me, to make sure they would thrive. I just came to a point where I would not. However, in the days, months and years that followed, I experienced my life sliding in and out of my neglected garden. I would take a rare afternoon to feed my own needs and spend the rest of the day looking for something/someone outside my self to attract my attention. I neglected to replant my seeds outside my fence.
So last weekend, at this super mega-spiritual complex, I found myself listening to the Be-Dazzled cantor perform her presentation on balancing Karma in the Workplace, as she reminded us that the best way to achieve success is to plant seeds of karma in every area of your life: personal relationships, professional relationships; casual relationships. Treat those in your career with the cared-ful fuel you offer your friends.
She recalled that Buddha had said that "if you do this, you can expect that" the law of compensation. An interesting thought: planting a seed of karma in any area of our lives. I decided that was a sign from the universe asking me to plant some seeds in my own garden.
Some of the new seeds in my garden:
- Commitment to posts daily on this blog
- Regular yoga practice is back in my life
- Reading all the books that I promised myself I'd get too
Monday, June 7, 2010
6 degrees of you and me!
It's been 3 years since I've posted to this blog...
I'm challenging myself to see if I can keep this up for at least 6 months. Will you be here when I'm through? I don't know, but I can bet that we'll still be in touch! ;)
What I do know is that I have some amazing friends that I rarely get to talk to on a regular basis. And yet, in life, we will forever remain close to each.
By a whim, I am home from work early today and turned on the television to see a special about Christina Aguilera. Now, I've never been a fan of hers, but I do like her music and watching the special about her Australian show is making me a bit of a fan. Good Show! But what it really makes me think of are my days in LA, when I was working with 'big name' musicians and exploring the world and of course, making new friends.
Then I got an email from an even older friend from college. Her announcement that she is moving to Thailand for a year. Wow! What an adventure! This reminded me of one of my very oldest friends (well, not in age but in the years, tears, laughter and fears) that we've shared together. She used to live in Thailand and I took that opportunity to go visit and fell in love with the big beautiful smiles and tastey treats of the hot and humid land that was her home for 2+years. Excited by the possibility of getting to plan another trip to this special Asian country, my mind wandered to my hosts for dinner last Friday. Wonderful friends who now live just up the street from me, had recently returned from her homeland, Thailand, where they spent a few weeks visiting family and touring the property that they hope one day to retire. What another incredibly twist of fait that all these diverse friends, none of whom know or have met each other are all connected by a foreign country... and me!
And who says we are alone on this planet?
I'm challenging myself to see if I can keep this up for at least 6 months. Will you be here when I'm through? I don't know, but I can bet that we'll still be in touch! ;)
What I do know is that I have some amazing friends that I rarely get to talk to on a regular basis. And yet, in life, we will forever remain close to each.
By a whim, I am home from work early today and turned on the television to see a special about Christina Aguilera. Now, I've never been a fan of hers, but I do like her music and watching the special about her Australian show is making me a bit of a fan. Good Show! But what it really makes me think of are my days in LA, when I was working with 'big name' musicians and exploring the world and of course, making new friends.
Then I got an email from an even older friend from college. Her announcement that she is moving to Thailand for a year. Wow! What an adventure! This reminded me of one of my very oldest friends (well, not in age but in the years, tears, laughter and fears) that we've shared together. She used to live in Thailand and I took that opportunity to go visit and fell in love with the big beautiful smiles and tastey treats of the hot and humid land that was her home for 2+years. Excited by the possibility of getting to plan another trip to this special Asian country, my mind wandered to my hosts for dinner last Friday. Wonderful friends who now live just up the street from me, had recently returned from her homeland, Thailand, where they spent a few weeks visiting family and touring the property that they hope one day to retire. What another incredibly twist of fait that all these diverse friends, none of whom know or have met each other are all connected by a foreign country... and me!
And who says we are alone on this planet?
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